mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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