Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
