Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
