I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
