So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
