i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
