You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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