Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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