i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
