Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
