My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
