I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
