Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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