my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
