Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
