he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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