he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
