Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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