Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
