alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
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we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
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Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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