Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
