and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
