Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
