he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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