I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
