why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize