Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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