Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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