So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
