I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
no you cant smoke seaweed
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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