Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Randomize
