i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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