That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
