Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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