hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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