I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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