the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
