I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
