I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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