Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
