Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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