Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
