I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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