I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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