maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Ketchup is God's man juice
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You dont lie about slip and slides
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
