The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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