just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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