Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
