2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
