I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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