who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's like heaven, but drunker
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
