Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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