I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
