Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
