I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
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I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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