Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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